The following is essentially a prose doodle—a short, oblique “essay” on the subject of photography. It is the product of time spent waiting in a doctor’s office for a certain pokey physician to make his triumphal appearance.

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A is for aperture. The hole a peeping Tom peers through.

(Also, A.I. — A technological development that is to photography what the bubonic plague was to Western Europe.)

B is for bokeh. A word with no correct pronunciation describing effects in the out-of-focus areas of a photograph.

C is for copyright. A quaint notion.

D is for digital. Analog’s epilogue. 

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E is for exposure. Uncovering the truth about a person’s appearance.

F is for foreground. A compositional element between threeground and fiveground.

G is for gray card. An identifying document issued by the United States Social Security Administration and a tool used by photographers to ensure accurate color rendition in a photograph.

H is for hot shoe. A blacksmith’s occupational hazard and the electrical accessory mount on the top of a camera.

I is for interchangeable-lens camera. A camera for photographers with commitment issues.

J is for JPEG. A photo file format, and pirate William Jay’s right leg.

K is for Kodachrome. An old color film stock, and a song by Paul Simon.

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L is for landscape. The photographic genre preferred by anthropophobics.

M is for midtones. The least controversial of tones.

N is for negative. The photographer saying “no” to digital.

O is for optical illusion. The belief in optical perfection.

P is for Photoshop. Where reality gets a makeover.

Q is for quarry. A street photographer’s subject.

R is for resolution. The number of angels you can actually see dancing on the head of a pin.

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S is for sunset. A technicolored cliché.

T is for tripod. An invitation from the manufacturers of Keurig coffeemakers.

U is for uncivilized. The work of Bruce Gilden.

V is for viewfinder. A window on the world.

W is for workshop. A two-day, three-dimensional version of a one-hour YouTube tutorial.

X is for X marks the spot. The gaff-taped spot on the studio floor where you would like your model to stand.

Y is for yesterday. When a commercial client would like to see prints from this morning’s shoot.

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Z is for zoom lens. A lens for photographers with commitment issues.